de profundis

I don’t know which is more hurting, the fact that you now go on your priorities or I realizing this sullen state that makes me crazy. It’s too silent. Nobody seems to muster enough presence to drive away the stillness. The much coveted memory has now been permanently buried in nostalgia.

I am paralyzed by this serene emptiness. A compulsory kenosis forces me to get lost for sheer losing. I want to reach out to you but I can’t – I shouldn’t. Our decisions have already long separated us and the distance has already decided a stalemate.

All I can do now is to stick to my mere self-serving wishful thinking. I wish I hadn’t decided it for myself. I wish I hadn’t hurt you to go away. I wish I hadn’t decided to grow up that fast.

And now I am terribly missing you. I am losing my way and no other remedy is going to end this misery but only you. I hate this irrational need. It feeds on dead memories and I am only the fool who still try to resuscitate them in all the missing and irreconcilable fragments of my heart.

I am now out of ideas. It’s already too late. Nothing is going to fill the lacuna that you left, or was it the excess you have given me that nobody can ever be at par. There are no more second and any number for chances. You have already closed the door yourself.

But please let me take a peek. I only need a glimpse of you to hurl me back to life.

 

Longing,

Jan

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s