Dear Cecilia Barbara

I have finally made known your name. And just as in horror films when the initial fear ceases at knowing the logic of the once-mysterious enemy, staring at this void for a long time, I now have the slightest idea on how to face the hollowness between us.

My wont goodbye has crept in again. But this time I have a lead to start with. I have found a spark of a silver lining in the tragic melodies of this earth. For music eternally goes with us. Every lament of fallen warriors, every festivity in the gayest of gaieties where nymphs bond in the clearest waters, and every harmony of the calmest of silences – sings to me that there is still optimism in the world.

Perhaps Nietzsche is right: to live without this inner melody is an agonizing gaffe. Somehow, listening to Maroon 5’s Beautiful Goodbye or All Time Low’s Lullabies easies the pain and the latter’s Remembering Sunday is just enough for me not to expect anything from you anymore. I have to find the prudence to retreat.

There is much trouble in the world than this momentary feeling we both are not willing to engage yet. Someday, when all of these qualms are overcome, I will find you, again, and I will marry you until the race is over. Never forget that. After this hazy snowstorm following us from our wasted youth, I will bring a newly-found sun to you. But not now, not yet.

As of now, please, heed Mayday Parade’s Save Your Heart. I have long been pandering to a song of stillness without words; only the melody of the phenomenon sustains the limbo I am in. Maybe after moving on I can put life to Three Cheers for Five Years but with a wise grin in not assuming the same anarchic mistakes again.

 

Sing with me love,

Jan

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